Tired & A Little Lost

I don't really like who I am right now. There are definitely things in my life that are better now than any other time in my life, but today I just want to say that I'm tired of hating my body. I'm tired of feeling ashamed or embarrassed. I'm tired of being tired instead of energetic. I'm tired of waiting until my clothes fall to shreds to get replace them because I don't want to buy something in a bigger size. I hate that I feel like I am a runner, but I haven't been living that way. I used to love to run. I used to love to compete, and frankly, I loved winning. Well it's the New Year and I don't want to put numbers on things this time around, I just want to work on loving me. I know that means eating a bit healthier and paying attention to when/how much I'm eating. It means that I start pushing myself at the gym instead of the usual ho-hum workouts I've been doing. I started today. I fired up my Lose It app and ran 2 miles (more than my usual 1 that I had built up to but never went passed after healing from my killer plantar faschiatus). It felt good. But I know it has to be a forever change. I have to reevaluate why I eat or why I work out. I want to set a good example for Addy, I want to feel good about myself, and I want to feel attractive for Pete.

It's more than my body I'm tired of though. I'm tired of loving conditionally. I have all these strings attached to my loving instead of being sacrificial. I judge people too much and I say hurtful things to and about people. I'm ashamed that at 27 I haven't figured out how to be a great wife and that I haven't figured out how to channel my emotions better so I can parent better.

I think I get reflective around this time of year, especially (who doesn't), and I stop and think how short this life can be. I don't want to walk around regretting things or feel like I'm holding back. I hope I can remember that each day this year. I hope I can be the person I always felt like I was supposed to be.