On Suffering

Undoubtedly, if you've known me for the past year, you understand when I say it has been one of great ups and downs. There were months where I felt hopeless and lost, confused and numbed. I ran from my fears and doubts, I hid from the mercy of God. I wasn't mad about the events taking place in my life, but hurt and afraid to feel them too much.
Well after several months of suffering, life turned for the better when we found out we were pregnant. Talk about an instant bandaid for all the hurt I had been feeling. But that's actually where I feel like it went wrong for me. I allowed myself to be consumed by the happiness one should feel when welcoming a child, and forgot to work through the hurt. I didn't rely on God to get me through anything, I waited for something good to come along so I could forget what God was trying to teach me.
So what makes me think of all this? Reading this post on our church's blog. It reminded me of how a mentor of mine reached out to me with a small book on suffering and it's purpose and how I barely cracked it open. Because I was afraid. I was afraid to face the suffering, to cry about the way I felt, to come humbly and vulnerably before God and admit that I couldn't handle it all on my own. This is a recurring theme for me. I keep all the heavy stuff to myself, even shutting out my husband when it comes to the hard stuff I'm dealing with. I was even afraid to talk to him about how much was hurting me that we weren't able to get pregnant for what felt like a really long time (in hind sight a year and a half doesn't seem so bad, but at the time it was heartbreaking). Why? I don't know.
But I do want to do better. To be more vulnerable, more truthful, more trusting, and more reliant on God and the people he places in my life.