While this blog isn't really new, I have only been posting consistently for awhile. And not too long ago, I didn't even tell anyone about this blog. People could only stumble across it. So when I added it to my own Google Reader account (I don't know why, but I did), I saw a post I had deleted once I shared this blog with friends for the first time. It was a heartfelt, painful post. And it was from 1 year ago today.
February 9, 2010.
I am weary, O God; I am weary and worn out, O God. - Proverbs 30:1b
Sometimes the weight of my grief is so heavy it feels hard to breathe. I can feel the pressure on my chest, the churning of my stomach, the tears welling up in my eyes. And yet, I feel compelled to push it down, to avoid the sorrow. I never thought I was that prideful or even independent, but at times like this, I can’t find another explanation for hiding these strong emotions. My heart hurts. It’s this deep, empty ache.
Does the rest of the world know? Can they tell just by looking at me that I’ve known such deep pain? Can they tell that my heart is overflowing with sorrow? That at any moment I might break. Unknowingly allow just one tear to slip by, and then before I can stop them, dozens, hundreds. A flood of tears, an army of pain marching out of me.
It is tiresome to hold emotions in. Tiresome to put on a mask, instead of being who I am - a woman full of emotion, wrought with pain & sorrow, seeking God's guidance, but stubborn to his directions. Forgive me for my selfishness Lord. Forgive me for not giving control to you.
At first I was panicked at finding that people might stumble across this post in their Google Reader. But then I came to terms with it, and realized that it's not so bad for people to really know me. To know my heart. And then I saw the date, and realized that this original post was 1 year to the day my baby girl turns 3 months. And while that post was about more than just our struggle to get pregnant, it was definitely about that. I had such a hard time with that and at 24, felt like no one would take me seriously. That people would think that I have so much time to become a mother and that it wasn't valid to feel the way I felt at my age. So the above post became what I wanted to say, what I couldn't say.
And now here we are, 1 year later. And we have a beautiful baby girl. A sweet and cuddly baby girl. And I'm thankful now. Thankful for the time to prepare our hearts for her. For the time to build our marriage for the challenges of parenthood. I'm thankful for the hurt and sorrow, because it makes the love so much sweeter.
February 9, 2010.
I am weary, O God; I am weary and worn out, O God. - Proverbs 30:1b
Sometimes the weight of my grief is so heavy it feels hard to breathe. I can feel the pressure on my chest, the churning of my stomach, the tears welling up in my eyes. And yet, I feel compelled to push it down, to avoid the sorrow. I never thought I was that prideful or even independent, but at times like this, I can’t find another explanation for hiding these strong emotions. My heart hurts. It’s this deep, empty ache.
Does the rest of the world know? Can they tell just by looking at me that I’ve known such deep pain? Can they tell that my heart is overflowing with sorrow? That at any moment I might break. Unknowingly allow just one tear to slip by, and then before I can stop them, dozens, hundreds. A flood of tears, an army of pain marching out of me.
It is tiresome to hold emotions in. Tiresome to put on a mask, instead of being who I am - a woman full of emotion, wrought with pain & sorrow, seeking God's guidance, but stubborn to his directions. Forgive me for my selfishness Lord. Forgive me for not giving control to you.
At first I was panicked at finding that people might stumble across this post in their Google Reader. But then I came to terms with it, and realized that it's not so bad for people to really know me. To know my heart. And then I saw the date, and realized that this original post was 1 year to the day my baby girl turns 3 months. And while that post was about more than just our struggle to get pregnant, it was definitely about that. I had such a hard time with that and at 24, felt like no one would take me seriously. That people would think that I have so much time to become a mother and that it wasn't valid to feel the way I felt at my age. So the above post became what I wanted to say, what I couldn't say.
And now here we are, 1 year later. And we have a beautiful baby girl. A sweet and cuddly baby girl. And I'm thankful now. Thankful for the time to prepare our hearts for her. For the time to build our marriage for the challenges of parenthood. I'm thankful for the hurt and sorrow, because it makes the love so much sweeter.
Loved hearing about your heart for your little girl. What a blessing!
ReplyDeletethanks so much for sharing this, ashley.
ReplyDelete"And I'm thankful now. Thankful for the time to prepare our hearts for her. For the time to build our marriage for the challenges of parenthood. I'm thankful for the hurt and sorrow, because it makes the love so much sweeter."
ReplyDelete-- I like that a lot.
Love that at the exact time you were putting your pain into words, God was working!
ReplyDelete